Thursday, January 12, 2012

Guns. Guns. Guns.

Hello all.

I've become a little bit fascinated by my blogs stats recently. I get a lot of visits but why are people stopping by?

The post that generates the most hits on my blog is this little chap I put together a while ago where I built a working gun out of lego. I'm sure this has me on some kind of watch list. You can read it here: HARD AS BRICKS.

And the one thing on my blog that generates the most amount of hits? This image right here:

Yep the old desert eagle. And here's an overview of my blogs most recent stats:

Almost 20 thousand visits. Not bad but are most of them are visiting to read either about the brick gun or stare with cold, dead eyes at the image of the desert eagle?

And where are most of my audience coming from? Lets have a look at the map shall we? The green bits will tell you where most of them are visiting the old  Wood of Kings from.

Now as you all know I love the Americans they're like these wonderful big kids. They're fun, exciting and a little bit dangerous. But I still like them. So I'm glad they're tuning in. But I'd really like to know why.

Is it just the guns? By the look of my stats that's what it is. I'm not much of a gun nut so I'd like to know if they're sticking around for the other stuff as well. My clocks. My musings about the film industry. And my drunken adventures

Are you my American friends? I'd love to hear from you. Do you like the smell of what I'm shoveling here at The Wood of Kings? What would you like to see more of? Less of? 

Of course this invitation also extends to my lovely regulars and visitors from around the world. What can I do for you? I live to serve after all. 

Oh, and just to make sure you do stop in here's some pictures of some more guns.

Please leave a message so the CIA can track you... Come on you know you want to.

Sunday, January 8, 2012

The Playground of the Damned

For my last drive up to Auckland I decided a change of scenery was in order. So I drove through Whanganui. If as a child you visited this strange riverside hamlet you'll no doubt remember the playground here. I have fond memories of it as an exciting, garish and wonderfully surreal place so I thought I'd see if it still lived up to those memories.

The answer is yes and no. This playground has stayed locked in a weird seventies time warp. Elements and perception have not been kind. Again dip into your memories and recall a unsettling British horror film called "Village of the Damned" a small English town becomes home to creepy other-worldly children. This playground is - no doubt - the place these children would go to play.

Anyway enough background.  and just invite you to take a tour around THE PLAYGROUND OF THE DAMNED...

Our tour begins with a very mournful whale. "Please children play in my mouth. I'm so very, very hungry."

A disturbingly phallic snake. 

This one will give my friend Cal nightmares. An octopus that lures children in with the promise of fun swings only to trap them in its tentacles.  

Gaze upon the face of true evil. 

Notice the child's jacket lying on the swing. But no sign of children anywhere.

A saw lots of children go into these tunnels but none came out. 

This is the barbecue area. Inside a big pumpkin for some reason. There was also the faint smell of gas. 

There was an old woman who lived in a shoe. Who had so many children she didn't know what to do.

So she threw them all into a the dark pit of despair.

Then there's Humpty Dumpty possibly the most terrifying thing in the whole playground.

Then there's the three bears.

On closer inspection you'll see that Papa Bear is a card-carrying Nazi.

This sad creature is supposed to be Little Miss Muffet. Not a spider in sight. I suspect it was inside her. Laying eggs in her brain.

Then there's something all kids love. A severed Orca head.

And Unhappy Feet.

With some recently clubbed seals.

A terrifying dinosaur slide.

Just look at its mouth. And again note the distinct absence of children at this playground.

Of course you can't have a dinosaur without a caveman. And here's Fred Flintstone's retarded brother.

Looks like he's been into the yabba-dabba...

 Fred's here so where's Barney? Where indeed. Just look at this sorrowful creature. Tell us Barney what did they do to you in prison?

But the fun doesn't stop here. There's a castle for medieval make believe. Hey look every one's dead from the plague!  

An a very dangerous looking pirate ship. Which rejoiced in the name The Jolly Daybreaker for reasons unknown. 

And finally a dolphin filled with concrete and mounted. Swimming with the dolphins is overrated. What you want to do is ride them like a jockey!

After a hard day putting your children in harms way no doubt you'll be hungry. So why not try the Curbside Cafe? I can recommend the salmonella.

Why is "hot" in inverted commas? And what on earth is ECT?

 If you're wanting to visit the Playground of the Damned you can stay at the illustriously appointed Avoca Hotel which is just down the road. Within fleeing distance. It's twinned with the Overlook Hotel in Colorado.

Here ends my tour. If you've enjoyed it please sign the guestbook and the toilets are located in the information center by the man-made lake.